Pressure can be in areas of our lives we don’t want to acknowledge.
I’m the oldest. That’s a pressure you can’t change. I was born into it. No getting around it. I am first-born of my generation of our family. This is a fact.
No matter what my mother says otherwise, I know she thinks I “should” be some type of way in accordance with my “birthright.”
Which makes me feel some type of way.
Feeling pressured? Feeling some type of way?
“Some type of way…” How abstract is that? I mean, shit, it’s great to be able to call a spade a spade. Thank God we have this saying. Because finally we’re admitting to our feelings. This is forward movement. This is an evolution from our previous “I’m fine/alright/okay.” And…
Feeling “some type of way” allows for no distinct healing. There’s got to be specificity, definition, an idea of some depth that goes beyond the surface.
My specificity? … I feel hurt. I feel disappointed in myself because I don’t live up to the expectation of my parents. I feel devastated when they think I haven’t done something they expected me to do. I feel angry at the whole scenario for even being this way – being the oldest and all; and I’m angry at myself for not showing up how I know I should. Now all of those feelings, I can do something about those feelings. And then it’s no longer about pressure.
when pressure seems like it’s all there is…
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