Like the single drop of water on the delicate petal of that flower… The droplet has a boundary that defines it as a drop – its form and dimension. Yet its boundary does not keep the flower petal from experiencing the quality of it, its moisture; and its boundary does not keep us from witnessing its beauty, the delicate nature of its being and its transparency. Its boundary allows it to keep its form but does not keep anyone, or anything out. In other words, its boundary, unlike a barrier, does not exclude anyone or anything.
Boundaries are not barriers. Many of us think these two are synonymous. Merriam-Webster defines these two words similarly as well, so for the purpose of this writing we will maintain the distinction between the two made above.
Barriers are built to protect us against others. Like, “I’m ready for the attack, so I’m gonna guard against you and your stuff. I dare you.”
Boundaries are created in consciousness. Boundaries allow us to have peace of mind; thereby giving us room to be ourselves, grow and thrive.
They can be very different, and while one is built on a negative premise, the other is built on a completely positive premise.
Come with me… I’ll tell you a little story about me.
In my life, I have created a number of barriers. I’ve built barriers that have barricaded me into my own small reality called, “I must protect myself at all costs.” I’ve done this in romantic relationships, familial relationships, and in work circumstances. At a certain point in my life, I recognized – for the first time, mind you – that I had a lack of intimacy with other people. It saddened me. It mostly saddened me, because I was at a point in my life where I was becoming aware of intimacy as the supreme sweet spot of life. I was realizing that being with other people completely bared, vulnerable and available, while inspiring the same in them was the deliciousness of life. Frankly, I had never known what intimacy was before that. It wasn’t until I was aware of what intimacy could be that I realized it had been so sorely missing.
But it wasn’t as easy as that… I began to let down the barriers that I had built up as walls of protection. And in newly discovering who I was without those barriers that I had lived with for so long, I was at a loss of how to be without them. I began to find that I had no idea of how to be that open without seeking validation where I would not receive it. Unconsciously, I had used my barriers as crutches to lean on, and since I was leaning hard, pretending they were my appendages instead, I didn’t have full use of my voice. Now, I had a new challenge: to strengthen my voice to match my newly matured view. And at first, I had to acknowledge I was weak.
I didn’t use my voice in ways that honored me. Often I was weak when I spoke, and so my barriers had become pure compensation. This was eye-opening, and it scared me shitless. My challenge was to find the new me, and the new ways of being and thinking that would lend me power – new power and new integrity of being. It was a scary time; a really scary time. And then I discovered… ta-daaaaaaa, boundaries.
I discovered I could create boundaries to keep everything I was learning about myself precious and to myself until I was ready to share it – when my voice and my confidence were more steady. I discovered this was not a sign of weakness, but a sign of my willingness to keep myself precious.
I discovered I could create boundaries to keep people from talking to me about things that were dangerous to my newly raw and burgeoning self. I didn’t have to have conversations that made me uneasy, and I certainly didn’t have to suffer under some strange superhuman notion that I should just “buck up and take it on the chin.”
{This is a lesson I learn again and again in different areas of my life, and I rely on these writings to remind me of where I’ve come from and how much I’ve grown.}
I discovered that I could create boundaries to support my new thoughts. And even when people already knew me in a certain way, my boundaries – if I fully honored them – would help me to keep my old identity (how they used to know me) from taking over again. I could say what I needed to say without fear of reprisal from others because they thought I didn’t “sound like myself.”
Now, did these boundaries work by themselves? …. Hell, no.
I had to stick to my guns. I had to stand in my truth. I had to be willing not to be approved of and/or not to be liked.
Then, and only then, could I create the beauty I could envision for myself. But while I was in this raw state of discovery, I could use these boundaries to help me stand my ground… and keep taking ground instead of losing it.
Boundaries can be created with many other purposes in mind and all as ways to keep your integrity as you’re testing the limits of paradigms you once regarded as truth, about yourself, about others, and about life itself. Use boundaries and use them well. You are worth it.
You don’t have to be what anyone else wants you to be, only what you envision for yourself.
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